I spent my week replaying the conversation over and over trying to determine what I could have said differently, trying to figure out if I were truly the horrible person that she’d thought I’d been, trying to figure out why there was so much animosity towards me. I spent my days driving to work trying to piece together the last 15 years of friendship trying to figure out what I could have done better to change this outcome. I spent the last week wishing that my previous therapist was still around so that I could tell her what happened and she could try to explain it to me because I was so blindsided that I couldn’t figure it out myself. I spent the last two days healing. Healing from unexpected loss. Healing from what ended as a toxic relationship. Healing from the thoughts of uncertainty that I had done something wrong. Healing from a week of beating myself up for someone else’s negative thoughts of me. I spent today, laughing that I even thought for a second that I could control someone else’s thoughts or change the outcome of what had already occurred.
As I reflect on the lessons I’ve learned growing up, I realize that loss comes in many forms, not just death. However, I am confident that better days are coming. I am grateful for my current circle, and relieved that I am allowed to be myself and evolve every day, for I will only continue to transform, as I get older and wiser. I choose to move forward in peace and release all of the negativity I’ve fed myself this past week.
This week, I’ve learned a few pointers that may help in your relationships with people: (1) what someone else thinks of you is none of your business. It took me a few days of reflecting and journaling to come to this conclusion, but I’m glad I did. It was not until the end of the week that I realized how mentally exhausting it is to constantly explain yourself and prove that you are worthy. Despite what people tell you or how they treat you, do not beat yourself up. Sometimes, it may not even be about you, so don’t take it personal. Once I came to that conclusion, I was able to get back to focusing on the life that I am building with my daughter. (2) Communication is key. Reaching out to people using the appropriate channels is just as important as being tactful when sending emails at work. If a conversation is more serious and should be discussed in detail, ditch the text messages and pick up the phone to call. Phone conversations can eliminate any confusion that may happen via text. Text conversations are often misconstrued and tone of text may be subjective. (3) Your growth is going to confuse some people, but do not let it confuse you. Growth shows up in many different ways. For me, it was going to therapy, sorting out my issues, being more rational, trying to communicate better, spending more time with myself, working, and focusing on self-care. Everyone won’t get it. It’s okay. Those are not your type of people. Continue to do those things that are making you a better person. What is sometimes misunderstood is that as we grow, we transform into so many different people. Same body, different person. I could honestly say that from my teenage years to now, I’ve been three different people, but I see the growth. The goal is to find people who understand the transformation and want to grow with you. (4) Prioritize you! Before scheduling things on your calendar, make sure you are covered first. It is just like how people say before you pay your bills, pay yourself by putting money into your savings account. Take time out to be with yourself and your thoughts, first. For me, this week I took time to write every time I started to doubt my actions, every time I sparked the conversations in my head that played over and over, every time I felt like I needed someone to talk to. I wrote. I released. I reflected.
Moving forward, I will continue those practices plus more. I am reading books that will stimulate my mind and positively influence my actions. I am expanding my circle of winners. Winners who want to see me grow, encourages, and understands the transformation. Moving forward, I am going to continue to be me, unapologetically.
My happiness is not dependent on others; it comes from within. Spiritual growth in a person is never encouraged, but it is important. I don’t know why people want to judge others instead of doing their own thing. I firmly feel that I don’t need to follow or live according to other people’s rules. I like living life the way I want to. – Sonu Nigam