October 29, 2017: The morning I decided I had enough. It was detox time. What kind of detox you might ask? A dude detox. Over it sis.
What makes this day so significant? I went out to a Halloween party and found out that one of my closest friends and someone I had been “talking to” was lying and being deceitful. I didn’t find it out from him, I found out from “her.” I won’t get into details about the situation, but what I overheard was everything I needed to know. It was everything I needed to have that pep talk with myself, be honest with myself, and say “It’s time to move forward boo, and be done.. For good.”
Usually I’m quick to cut people off. My friends even laugh and call me the “Cut Off Queen.” However, certain situations I would revisit after I cut off whether it was to figure out what went wrong or just to hang out with that person again because I missed the way things use to be. I realized I needed to stop doing that. Just because someone keeps knocking doesn’t mean you have to answer. When you close certain doors you need to keep them closed for good. There’s a reason you closed them in the first place; so when you close those doors, lock them, throw away the key, and never look back.
For the next sixteen hours, I did a whole lot of reflecting. During this reflecting I realized and taught myself some amazing things. T.D. Jakes once said “You can not drive your car looking in your rearview mirror; you’ll just keep crashing.” The same thing applied to my dating life. I kept crashing because I kept revisiting and reminiscing on what was already behind me. You can’t have success moving forward if you’re too busy looking back. I realized that I had not forgiven myself for things that happened four years ago. I cried a little as I realized I needed to forgive myself and just let it go. Jael The Great, a Spelman professor, actress, and speaker, taught me one of the biggest lessons of my life through an instagram video, because clearly I have a hard time forgiving myself when I mess up. She said “If I spill some milk on this floor, can I get it back up? So if we came back into this room next week and I was still crying over that milk y’all would think I was crazy, right?” That spoke volumes to me, because the same concept applies to life. I’ve been so embarrassed and disappointed in myself for allowing and putting up with certain things. I realized I needed to forgive myself and move forward, and you too, sis, should do the same.
It’s been 2 ½ months since I began this detox, and I honestly feel amazing. No more worrying about or asking myself why these dudes can’t communicate, or why these dudes won’t act right. I don’t have to keep checking my phone and wondering why I haven’t received a text back. It’s so peaceful. You know how good it feels to not have to yell at anybody’s son? It feels amazing. I saw in one of our very own Women By Choice posts for women to share tips for overcoming loneliness and finding happiness in your single season. A comment stated: “Treat you how you would want him to treat you.” I love that. It’s amazing advice for anyone in need of a detox or currently going through one. Take yourself out on dates, sis. Get to know yourself, and give yourself unlimited love and self-care.
What I overheard that night on October 29th (well, what was yelled out at me in way that was NOT slick lol), was one of the best things that could have possibly happened to me. Why? It started a whole new phase for me, my dude detox and completely focusing on myself. No dating right now, and no casual hook-ups. I’ve been focused and keeping myself busy by being with family and friends, focusing on school, working on achieving my academic and lifetime goals, reading, working out, learning how to do makeup, and just doing things that I love and things that make me happy. During this detox, I am learning, growing, and I’m healing (listening to a lot of SZA in the process lol). I’ve learned that I’m not a casual, talk to here and there, hook up, person. There are some people who can do casual hook-ups and I pass no judgement. I’ve just realized that that is not for me. Sure, I get texts and some DMs here and there, but they don’t go farther than that. I’m okay being by myself right now, and that feels so good to say, and even better to put into action.
I love extremely hard, and I realized there is nothing wrong with that. I just need to give that love to the right person. I deserve the best. I know what I want and will not settle for less anymore. Until I find that, I’m chillin. A lot of these situations are hard to reflect on, and sometimes they re-build anger and sadness. However, these situations taught me a lot about myself and have made me a better and stronger woman. You know, social media is a powerful thing. I watched a video over a year ago with Judge Lynn Toler and it was another one of the greatest messages I’ve ever heard in my life. She talks about how “20” is for growth, and 20 is for you. “It is NOT for continuous compromise. It is not a time to say ‘this is the guy that I gotta make it with because this is the guy that I have and no matter what happens, no matter what I don’t like, no matter what he does I have to put up with it because he’s my man.’” What I loved most was when she said “Twenty is for firing dudes when they don’t act right.” She reminds you to “Get a large life, so even if a dude doesn’t end up in it, you still love it.” I’m a beautiful woman, in and out. Funny, caring, loving, intelligent, driven (receiving my bachelors this year in May), gorgeous, and I have goals. I have no time to waste on a dude who doesn’t know my worth and value me. That’s his problem, not mine. I’ll meet my King one day. Until then, I’m building myself and my great life. Cut Off Queen is back in full effect! I’d rather be alone than unhappy. Issa Detox!